


The Letter

by poisonous_mushroom



Category: X-Men - All Media Types, X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) - Fandom, X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Actually it doesn't fix anything at all, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Post Beach Divorce
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-04-12 02:55:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4462838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poisonous_mushroom/pseuds/poisonous_mushroom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While imprisoned, Erik writes Charles a letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Letter

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone :)
> 
> So, I thought about it today and I needed to write it down. I'm almost not ashamed to reveal that I cried a little while writing this (but for my defense, I was listening to sad music so... yeah).
> 
> Because I just cannot BELIEVE that Erik and Charles spent 10 years away from each other without any contact, or even without making an attempt at contact.
> 
> Once again I apologize for any mistakes that could be here: English is not my mother tongue :)

It had taken long days, maybe even weeks for Erik to persuade the guards to let him write the letter. Just a simple letter.  
However, even in prison, Erik remained the most stubborn man in the world. So one day, Erik had the pleasant surprise to receive a sheet of paper and a pencil with his meal. Just one sheet. He couldn't afford to make any mistakes. But he was sure of himself. He had had plenty of time to think about every word he would put on that letter. 

He didn't bother to eat the disgusting food and began to write. 

**

_Charles,_

_There are a lot of things I would like to tell you. Things I should have told you earlier, before the mess that happened, things I should have told you after the event that tore us apart. A lot of things._

_I know what you will think when you receive that letter. That I could have sent it before, that I am doing it now just because I am in prison and that I have nothing better to do. That now that I am alone without any distractions, I finally have the time to think about you. The truth is that I admit I could have done it earlier. I could have written it last year, when I was still a free man. I have no excuse for this. Actually, I don't have any excuse for anything. It is just the way I am. I was blinded by my desire of making this world better for us, for our kind. I still have this desire of course, but now that I am powerless about it, my mind allows me to think about everything that I have put aside until now._

_Yes, I have thought about you. Of course, the guilt ate me up like a parasite eats human flesh. But I was torn between you or defending our cause, fighting for our brothers and sisters. And just like that day in Cuba, I had to make a choice. A choice I don't regret, but a choice that broke me a little more every day._

_Maybe I should have confessed everything when I had the chance, with words. But you know it, I am not good with words. Or I should have let you read my mind. I would have, if I had not been so scared of you finding all the things I was ashamed of, all the memories I was desperately trying to forget, all the feelings I did not understand. But the more I think about it now, the more I realize how easier it would have been if you had read into me._

_Before the night you saved my life, I only had one goal. To find Shaw and kill him. I didn’t even know what my life would be after that. This motivation was the only thing that kept me alive, my thirst of revenge the only motor that made me move forward. I had no plan for the future, no will to live a happy, normal life. Shaw had broken me when I was a child, withdrawing any desire of any form. The only desire I had was to kill._

_And then you appeared. You showed me that my ability, the reason why my mother was murdered, was not a monstrosity. You took me with you on the path of optimism, that something more was possible. Suddenly, I was thinking about what could happen after Shaw was dead._

_You gave me something I thought I would never had: hope._

**

Erik had to stopped writing for a moment. He had felt his eyes filling up with tears for a while, and it became harder to hold them. He couldn’t do this. He hadn't cried since the day his mother died. He didn't have the right to cry now.

 

**

_When you saved me from drowning, you gave me hope. When we went looking for the other mutants, you gave me hope. Oh, Charles, you gave me so much more, during that trip. For the first time of my life, I was driven by something more than revenge. I was excited about finding other people like me, like us. I was almost peaceful, back then._

_And when we trained, you gave me hope. You proved me that I could be more, that my life could have another meaning. You showed me the true intensity of my power and what it was like to be surrounded by people who cared about you. You gave me the taste of what it would be like to live a happy life._

_You offered me your friendship, your kindness, your sincerity, your respect and your trust. It was much more than I ever had._

_The truth is, Charles, that you were my strength, the only person I needed to make my life meaningful._

_But now, you are also my biggest weakness._

_I was so mad at you. Because you did not understand why I needed to kill Shaw. Because you thought the humans would welcome us warmly like the heroes we already were. Because you looked at me right through my eyes, telling me that we did not want the same thing, when I knew, I know, we do. But it was so easier to be mad at you when deep down, I was so angry with myself._

_You will never understand how much I hate myself for what I did to you. For forcing you to feel Shaw’s death like it was yours, for deflecting that bullet. For a short moment, I thought you were going to die, and I swear to God, Charles, I was certain that my whole life would become even darker than before if you died._

_You know that feeling, when you were in the dark and then someone switch the lights on. You are blinded. I was blinded, because I did not know such a thing could exist. And then, when the lights disappear, your eyes cannot adjust to the darkness anymore, and it is just worse than before._

_This is what you did to me._

_You didn't die. But you let me go. It was worse, somehow._

_I tried to forget. I really did. I worked hard, I fought, I dreamt of a better world for mutants. But your brief passage in my life marked me just as much as the numbers tattooed on my arm. I could not just erase it. I have to live with it._

_And so here I am, imprisoned for a crime I did not commit, for that matters. I wanted to save the president. He was one of us. But I failed, once again. Another bullet that hit the wrong target._

_Here, I am forced to deal with my thoughts, my guilt, my feelings. Here, the memory of you falling in the sand, hurt because of me, is stronger than ever. Here, I imagine all the things I could have said to make you stay with me, all the things I could have done. I change the course of the events in my head until I turn crazy. Sometimes I think so much, so hard, that I hope you to hear me. Sometimes I try to make my mind empty, to think about nothing else so I could hear you if you ever tried to contact me._

_You gave me hope in the past, and it does not seem to leave me now, when I know for sure that no more hope is allowed._

_I am sorry. For everything I did, everything I said._

_Especially that thing I never said._

_Because I did not understand it, because I was so frightened by it._

_Just as the numbers tattooed on my arm, this is engraved in my soul._

_I love you, Charles._

_I love you and I am sorry I never told you._

_Erik._

 

**

 

The letter arrived a few days later to the mansion. Charles was still asleep when Hank got the mail. It was the only letter in the mailbox. Hank’s heartbeat went faster when he saw it came from the Pentagon’s prison. Erik.

He looked up to the window of Charles’ bedroom, where he was currently sleeping, drugged by the serum, any disturbing thought away from him. For now.

Hank didn’t take any time to make his decision.

He couldn't do that to Charles. Charles couldn't endure this. Erik was the source of all of his problems. He was only darkness and unhappiness for him.

Without a second thought, he tore the letter into small pieces and threw it in the trash can.

Charles would never know.

Charles would never see the little hole on the piece of paper where Erik underlined a word too hard.  
Charles would never see the tear that Erik could finally not hold back, blurring a couple of words.  
Charles would never know that his feelings were mutual.

Charles would never know that a long time ago, he could have had what he wanted the most.

**Author's Note:**

> I personally hate myself for writing sad things like this :)
> 
> Hope you liked it :)


End file.
